Buy Or Don’t Buy

Because it’s Monday, and I’m tired, let’s talk about coffee. Here’s a brief history of coffee, as I know it.

Coffee was the thing to drink as a beatnik. The hotter and the blacker the better. But times changed and little coffee shops were put to the test when Starbucks opened their doors nationwide. Starbucks made it possible for everyone to be a tortured writer, or an artist, or just plain “cool” without having to actually drink coffee. Soon, 12-year-old girls would spend all their allowance money on nonsensically named beverages that had more sugar than caffeine. Because they could order, they could look totally awesome! Starbucks created a record label of sorts, and they sold the atmosphere that only laid back, (pretentious) coffee-lovers could enjoy. (I think that’s what they are going for.) But Starbucks has hit a dark time, and other quicker coffee servers have risen. Coffee is now a necessity, it seems. People need to “run on coffee”; people need a cup to start the day. And they are in such a rush that they cannot even brew their own, sorry Folgers. Now it’s all about Dunkin Donuts and McDonald’s coffee.

For the coffee connoisseurs (who drink “fast food” coffee), your choices are certainly not limited. You don’t have to wait in line (well, you do, but at least it’s a quick serving line). You are no longer judged on your pronunciation of the blend of the day. You no longer have to prove how tough you are based on how much cream and sugar you need. These servers don’t care - in fact they will gladly do it for you. It’s not cool to drink coffee, it’s just something people need to do to survive, I guess.

And don’t get me wrong, I love coffee. I prefer McDonald’s coffee over Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts. Not only is the brew smooth and delicious, but it has an unbeatable price. But when you go to McDonald’s to get your coffee, you aren’t trying to be cool. McDonald’s even has plans to sell lattes, which is a little strange, because who are you trying to impress by buying a cheap latte? No one - and that’s the point. Subway, the least cool of all the hoagie and sub selling chains, has signed up to start selling coffee with its sandwiches. (Even its spokesperson, Jared, is uncool.) Although Subway doesn’t even offer breakfast, it’s still jumping in the coffee game.

Coffee tried to be cool again. It appeared to be cool. Looking at the results of trying to make Starbucks cool with its attempt of having a record label, it is clear it failed. Music and coffee is no longer related. Coffee shops used to be where acoustic sets happened. Coffee used to be linked to weird art performances or jazz groups related to the aforementioned beatniks. Those Starbucks artists never happened, but maybe it’s because the artists were just added on to the coffee.  What if we try it the other way around? What if coffee is added to artists?

Well, there was an attempt. Did you know that Styx, Megadeth, and Billy Bob Thornton’s Boxmasters all have their own brews? How metal is that? I wonder how much cred you get for your light roast? And rumor has it, according to this “field research“, Billy Bob’s Blend is delish, while Styx kinda stinks.

To wrap up, what’s a buy about this?  I can drink my coffee in peace. Sooner or later, the people who need coffee to survive (the same people who seem to need to talk about how much they need coffee to survive) will hopefully will soon disperse and order from the drive-thru. Not to mention, they should just cool it anyways.

So, ex-Starbuxers, go drink up some Jamba Juice or Pinkberry or something else brightly colored and obnoxious, because as far as you need to know, coffee is no longer cool.