Buy Or Don’t Buy

I get it, you’re good at jumping. OK, you can swim really fast. Cool times. Except, not really.

I’m so fucking sick of the Olympics. Every two years, athletes from every nook and cranny of the planet and the corporate sponsors looking to impregnate them with brand image babies get hitched in a big, public marriage ceremony called The Olympics. And it’s a total waste of time.

It’s kind of hilarious to think that we’ve built up this huge, internationally recognized institution entirely devoted to worshiping people who can perform one task really well. Better than anyone else in the entire world! (for the next four years) It’s like the Guiness Book of World Records, but not nearly as amusing.

People who watch the Olympics on TV bother me as well. You’re glued to the TV watching someone else swim laps, and this passes for entertainment to you? Paint dry, grass grow, etc.

And don’t get me started on the “breeze through town, demand HUGE STADIUMS AND SHIT, now you’re stuck with the bill as we hop on to the next continent like a swarm of athletically obsessed locusts” bit. The past few Olympics have not provided an adequate return on investment to warrant this type of unsustainable growth. And yet cities clamber all over themselves to get the coveted host position, thinking it will really put them on the map. It will. For about 3 weeks in August 4 summers from now. It will be huge! There will fireworks, and celebrations, and world records will be broken! And then there will be nothing. And then you can enjoy your empty shell of a city while your budget forecasts for the next decade include paying off the debt it took to build all this stuff in the first place.

You know who really wins though? Nike, Adidas, Reebok, Fila, Dunlop, Speedo, and everyone else turning a profit off the backs of the people from the poor countries that are SO PROUD just to be represented in such an event. So they can wave their little flag in the opening ceremony and then disqualify after coming in 27th to a number of countries with better overall health and nutrition. It’s fucking disgusting.

So go ahead and enjoy your Olympics this summer. I’m boycotting, like I do every year. Do not buy.

Do you see this souvenir? It’s a fucking gold fish trapped inside a mother fucking keychain. Fuck you, Olympics.