Buy Or Don’t Buy

You know that saying? That when the nuclear apocalypse comes, all that will be left is the earth and the sky and the cockroaches?

Well, that saying is not entirely accurate, because whoever came up with it had clearly never heard of Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty.

First there is Amy. Singer, songwriter, overall a talented gal. She shot to fame in 2006 with the song “Rehaab,” which subsequently became the inspiration for approximately 1.27 billion lame jokes. Unfortunately, Amy couldn’t handle the sweet smell of success, and she is now better known for having a meth-face with more craters than the moon than she is for anything musical.

Then we have Pete. Pete is also a singer/songwriter, and a former member of the awesome English rock band the Libertines. (I was a big fan.) They released their album Up the Bracket in 2002, and had disintegrated by late 2004, largely due to Pete’s fondness for the crack pipe. He went on to form the inferior band Babyshambles, which basically sounds like the Libertines minus Carl Barat (whose own follow-up band, Dirty Pretty Things, sounds like the Libertines minus Pete Doherty.) He also went on to do a lot more drugs.

Pete didn’t reach the heights of fame in the US that Amy did, but they’re both super-famous drug-addicted wrecks in the UK. So imagine the *headsplode*yness that occurred when these two tabloid titans collided on YouTube earlier this year:

Yes, what you see is correct: Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, in a room with white walls, and a box full of baby mice. If you watched this whole video and weren’t surprised that neither of them tried to swallow a baby mouse whole, you obviously don’t follow their careers very closely.

But what I’m here to talk about today is not the fact that Amy and Pete somehow managed to get a hold of a box of live baby mice and a video camera while under the influence of crack. (Because let’s be honest, these two aren’t really classy enough for cocaine.) I’m here to talk about the fact that they are still ALIVE.

Here’s a nice little story about how Amy ordered FORTY-EIGHT BOTTLES OF JACK DANIEL’S for her appearance at the Bestival festival at the Isle of Wight. (I guess that’s somewhere, like, across the Atlantic?) That sounds a little excessive, right?

Mmmm…NAHHHH. Sure, she was kicked out of her hotel room and carried out to the car in a duvet after drinking until 5 am. But whatever! That’s just how Miss Amy rolls! That’s what she likes to call a good night! If you think 48 bottles of Jack are gonna fuck her up, you’ve got another thing coming. Let’s try 96 bottles of Everclear and then we’ll talk. Maybe.

Not to be outdone, Pete had his own brush with death about a week ago in Austria, where he is said to have almost overdosed before a solo performance. But Pete did her one better - after being revived by paramedics, he went out and did the show! Britney Spears can barely hold it together when she’s got vocals pumped out through a sound system. Pete Doherty gets it done with liquid heroin pumping through his veins.

Basically, Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse are immortal. Time after time, these two inject/snort/swallow more drugs than a Clydesdale could handle. And time after time, God says “No thank you.” He’s totally dreading the day when they invade his heavenly kingdom and start asking the archangels for a hit. (If you think they’re headed for the other place, think again. If it weren’t for Amy Winehouse, there would be dozens of gossip bloggers with nothing to write about right now. Dozens!)

If I weren’t already fairly positive that Pete Doherty’s sperm and Amy Winehouse’s eggs are 100% incapable of producing life, I’d say these two should get together and breed an army of death-proof coke fiends. That way, when the rest of mankind eventually succumbs to death and destruction, there will be hope. Hope that the spawn of Pete’n'Amy can carry on the human race, fueled only by bread and crystal meth, occasionally churning out a great jazz-rock album on the side.

Amy Winehouse photo credit: 236.com
Pete Doherty photo credit: sonicslang.com