Don’t Buy: Park Slope (part 1)
I realize it’s bold to completely dismiss an entire geographical area. Only Park Slope is not so much geographical, as it is a land mine, and not so much an area, as it is a suicide inducer. Here are (the starting) reasons that warrant the place (besides my hometown) worthy of such a diss:
Issue #1: Cutesy plays on the word “slope.”
The annoyance of referring to Park Slope as “The Slope” is self-evident. The storefronts and awnings down 5th/6th/7th Avenues are worse: Slope Suds, Bark Slope, Bagels on the Slope, Barber on the Slope, listing any product in front of the phrase “on the Slope.” This joke isn’t funny anymore!
Issue #2: Used Clothing Boutiques
On a PH scale, the boutiques around the Park Slope area fall around a Basic -7. The majority of these sell second hand clothing—because it’s the right thing to do. What’s offensive? They mark up the prices to thirty bucks a tee on last season’s Limited or J Crew unwanted clothes. If their buyers are selective, know that it’s not you, it’s them. Do I sound like television? But what’s more offensive? These stores are successful. More spring up…
Issue #3: “Park Slope residents are all a buzz for the new frozen yogurt shop.”
How many times can you report this???
Issue #4: Lawyer Babies
Everyone has a JD, a baby, or both. The one before the other, of course–like my mother always said!
Issue #5: Every article posted on http://www.dailyslope.com/
Issue #6: Obvious racial divide between the NY Meth Hospital and everywhere else.
If you’re going to gentrify an area and be proud of the results, don’t salt the earth with SlopeSuds.
So much more tk, always, forever.
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8 Comments, Comment or Ping
As a fan of link-based humor I expected the first sentence to ironically link to a post we had written boldly dismissing an entire geographical area. And then I remembered that until now we have had no posts dismissing entire geographical areas. SAD FACE.
Also, I’ve never been to Park Slope, I don’t think. But from reading dailyslope it sounds hellish.
Also, the (part 1) of this post makes me very excited
you can use links to be ironic?
I like Park Slope.
Can you imagine what the rest of Brooklyn would be like if not for all the douchebags and strollers corralled into one convenient area?
Boldly dismissing an entire geographical area? I’m on it. Watch out, Dakotas.
Pup Slope.
I know of a certain university that is hoarding up real estate in West Philadelphia — gentrifying — and then re-branding all the stuff in the area with cutesy wordplays on the school’s nickname. (U-Cash, U-Portal, U-Link, U-Dining, U-Health, U-Prison, U-Suck.)
I lived in Park Slope for a while, and they almost got me to join the cult. The way that I escaped was by showing up to one of their meetings with a big bag of Burger King foods and talking with my mouth full. I chomped away at my Whopper w/ Cheese when I took my turn in the circle, explaining how I had found utopia in Park Slope–the incongruity between the words and the food in my mouth was enough to turn numerous stomachs.
The area that currently is known as the Slope, BoCoCa, and Red Hook used to be known as “South Brooklyn.” What everyone who lives in that area has in common is a false, utterly repugnant and hypocritical moral arrogance that leads them assess the value of where they live not just in terms of proximity to Manhattan, restaurants, free cable, or whatever, but also in terms of right and wrong. Good and evil. “South Brooklyn”-ites honestly believe that they are living where they live not for the convenience, but somehow because it is more moral to live there than to live elsewhere.
Why? Because there is a massive psychogram antenna beneath the new Red Hook IKEA that is broadcasting messages to anyone in its vicinity.
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