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A bit of tv news today - Jennifer Aniston will be guest-starring on this season of one of my favorite shows ever, 30 Rock.

Dude…I hate Jennifer Aniston.  And to be honest, I can’t quite explain the levels of hate that I feel everytime I see her annoying, square-jawed face.  It could be that Friends was one of the stupidest, most overrated sitcoms of all time.  It could be that she keeps getting movie roles even though she’s no good in them.  It could be that she consistently appears on “hottest women” lists even though at best she’s a girl next door.  

But I think what it boils down to is that she WON’T GO AWAY.

I mean, seriously.  This is a woman who peaked in the mid-90s, when Friends was (arguably) still funny(ish).  Does anyone remember The Good Girl?  No?  Well, it came out in 2002, co-starred John C. Reilly and Jake Gyllenhaal, and wasn’t that good; and yet it was probably the high point of her movie career.  

Of course, all anybody could talk about was the fact that (GASP!!!) Jennifer showed up on the set most days with her hair unwashed, to be more like her discount store cashier character.  (Because as we all know, poor people don’t have the means, nay, the desire to wash their hair.)  And everything else she’s appeared in has been equally unmemorable - Bruce Almighty, Rumor Has It, The Break Up.  (I’ll acknowledge that Bruce Almighty was successful enough to warrant a sequel, but it still wasn’t good, and it was really a Jim Carrey movie.)

In short: Why on earth do we still pay attention to this woman!?

Well, it’s because she shoves herself into the press any chance she gets.  There have been approximately 3 million magazines featuring “Jennifer’s side” of the Jen-Brad-Angie love triangle, even though years have gone by and he’s clearly moved on.  There are still endless stories about how event planners will freak if there’s a chance of Jennifer and Brad coming within a 500-foot radius of one another.  Grow up.  Get over it.  You’re an adult, act like one.

And while it does suck that he cheated on her, who could blame him?  Angelina Jolie is way hotter and more talented than Jennifer Aniston, and now he gets to travel the world with a multicultural brood of babies and sprinkle money over the continent of Africa as if it were fairydust.  Brad Pitt is now good for the world, not only because of his hotness but because of his generosity.

When Jennifer Aniston isn’t bitching about her divorce, she’s playing up her relationship of the week.  The latest one was John Mayer, and now that that’s over, all the headlines about this 30 Rock thing are about how it’s her “revenge” and she’s “rubbing it in his face.”  Um, what?  Look, nobody gives a shit about John Mayer except for John Mayer.  Stop parading your phony-ass relationships around in front of the cameras, and maybe they’ll actually work out for once.  It’s a novel idea for an attention whore, I know, but it’s worth a try.

Basically, Jennifer, stay the hell away from 30 Rock.  You are not funny.  Even Tina Fey doesn’t have the magical powers required to make you funny, as proven by David Schwimmer’s un-funny appearance last season.  What you need to do is find a nice cameraman to shack up with and then disappear.  Just like Julia Roberts, a woman who, despite also being annoying, has far more talent and success than you could ever dream of.