Buy Or Don’t Buy

It’s that time of the year when the weather is dropping and all the eligible boys and girls are disappearing, or so it seems…

Hibermating*, or mating for the sake of hibernation, is the civilized world’s equivalent of cavemen bonking women over the head with a club and dragging them to their caves for the long winter to come.

Luckily (for women), man has come a long way since then. We neither “bag” our women nor is it only men who seek to capture a mate, for we are all equal and women are allowed to maintain their own domicile.

So what exactly is hibermating? It’s the act of finding a mate solely to hibernate with during the winter. This ensures not having to worry about keeping yourself kept, or “going out”. It provides someone to get fat with in the off-season and to essentially become a shut-in with.

This ancient technique is said to have been learned during the winter from such beasts as the Male Big Brown Bat and, my personal favorite, the American black bear, which can go for as long as 100 days without eating, drinking, urinating, defecating, or exercising.

In extreme conditions, it has been proven that both men and women can put up with less then desirable situations. For example, one might hibermate with someone who in the summer season (where the picking is plentiful) they might not give the time of day. But, hey, they’ve got an awesome Netflix queue and great delivery in the neighborhood, so you make do.

Looks, odors, pet peeves–they all fly out the window for the sought after comfort of having a warm body to curl up with in the dead of winter. Needless to say, any extra amenities are a plus.

Who hibermates?
Both men and women have been known to hibermate. Those with low income, no place to live, or less then desirable living situations (e.g. couch surfing) also usually hibermate. But sometimes, it can just be those who are used to the promiscuous lifestyle summer can facilitate and winter negates.

What are the signs of a hibermater?
It’s tough to tell, for even the hibermaters themselves may not be completely conscious, as it is part of our DNA code; seek shelter, seek warmth, seek sexin’. And when the picking is slim, anyone can fall into the lifestyle of hibermating.

What are some red flags?
If you have a nice apartment, consistently stocked fridge, working heat and a big bed; be wary.
If someone seems desperate to get their things in to your place or starts freaking out about there not being a socket near the bed to plug in a heated blanket; be wary.
If someone takes great interest in your pantry and possibly its lack of sustenance; be wary.

Why would someone hibermate?

• No rent
• Free grub
• Guaranteed lovin’
• Guaranteed warmth
• Convenience

So in closing, I find hibermating a total buy, ‘cause why not? Being single in the winter is stressful and physically tolling (e.g. bar hopping in the snow and disillusioning). Yeah, disillusioning. Have you ever taken a mate home from a bar in the dead of winter only to de-layer him or her and find what is underneath to be a complete sham?

And if you’re the hibermater well then… it just makes sense. I mean, times are rough, the economy is in the dumps, and we can’t expect you to get a job or provide for yourselves, now can we? Of course not, that’s just silly.

So go bonk that mate over the head, get some loving, snuggle up with your socks on and turn on the tube ‘cause winter is here and it’s brick as shit out there.

*Not to be mistaken with a Sex Gypsy. A Sex Gypsy is a member of either sex who infiltrates the partner’s domicile with the intentions of either A. eventually driving said person out of their apartment and staying or B. Stealing some things on the way out, e.g. prescription medication, laptop, iPod, etc.