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Speaking of 1980s cesspool New York: Star Magazine, that bastion of journalistic integrity, has the exclusive deets on the oft-rumored Gossip Girl spinoff. And no, we won’t be following young Jenny Humphrey to boarding school (which I always said would never happen anyway, because everybody hates Jenny.)

No, the true premise of the spinoff is even worse, if you can believe it:

“The show will focus on the early romance between Lily and Rufus,” says the insider. “It begins when they first meet, during a time when Rufus and his band are at the height of their career. The show will follow the high society and rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle in New York.”

As several blogs have already noted, this is a terrible idea because nobody gives a crap about Lily and Rufus. We already know how this story ends! Lily’s a groupie, Rufus is a “rock star,” Lily has an illegitimate child in France (spoiler alert!) and then gives it away, they both marry other people and have kids, those kids start boning each other, the end.

Also, there are two reasons and two reasons alone that anybody watches Gossip Girl in the first place. One: the clothes. Two: Chuck Bass. Neither of which will have a place in a series set during the days when flannel was at the height of its popularity and young Charles was but a wink in Bart Bass’ eye.

Which also raises another question: the timeline. The show has established that Rufus was a 90s one-hit wonder. If the pair met when he was at “the height of his career,” that means it was 1990 at the very earliest. And yet, Serena/Dan/the crew are at least 17 years old as of 2008. Meaning at the very latest, they were born in 1991. Unless Lily somehow time-traveled Harry Potter-style and conceived two babies at once, and unless both of them were actually stepping out on their spouses at the time, HOW IS ANY OF THIS POSSIBLE? There is a weekly blog dedicated to calculating the “realness quotient” of Gossip Girl. DO THEY THINK WE DON’T NOTICE THESE THINGS?

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