Buy Or Don’t Buy

I’ve been very busy lately, so I’ve had no choice but to have today’s post ghostwritten by a Foppish Victorian Dandy with a prejudice against gypsies. My apologies for the oversight.

Heavens! The events of recent days have proven to me most distressful! Lest you be IGNORANT, I shall tell the tale:

A young Gibson girl of the music-hall, as pale and pure as the cliffs of Dover, was interrupted in the course of receiving a notable achievement award — by the most FOUL of grandstanding poets of the Occident, a sophisticated rhetorician infatuated by his own pomposity. The layabout positively manhandled her, alleging that the young songbird had hornswaggled the notable award from his Callipygian associate, a HOTTENTOT famous for her insistence on being provided with fine hand jewelry.

The piffle spouted by this interloper — who is also a notorious advocate of truancy — is too much for me to quote directly, but I shall labor to summarize:

“My apologies, strumpet! I wish you well, and you shall have the opportunity to commence your salutations when I have finished, but I must say: my associate had one of the finest wax cylinders in all the course of human history!” he remarked. “In all the course of human history!”

A noxious silence hang in the air. The piscophiliac rabble-rouser rushed off the stage to drown his sorrow in the DEMON DRINK.  His associate (a vaudevillian rumored to be secretly BETROTHED to the poet’s longtime patron) was seen laughing in disbelief. The songbird was forced to retreat to the comfort of an underground train, where she was heard humming her LONELY tune throughout the night. Some say if you listen closely, you can still hear her singing today, in the rumble of the trains. Truly this awards ceremony had lived up to the embarrassing spectacle of previous years.

By some coincidence, not 24 hours later a notable ACTOR famous for his skill at impersonating spirits (and, it must be said, for his uncouth style of dance) tragically succumbed to the rare disease known as ‘cancer.’ This actor was beloved by all, for in his roles he had embodied a type of gentlemanly philosopher not seen since the days of Lord Napier. Indeed, his admonition that “PAIN IS AN EXPERIENCE TO BE SUFFERED LIGHTLY” has caught on with many a lad looking for words of wisdom to live by.

And yet, for many members of the younger generations, this serious occasion — coming so soon after an incident of public outrage — has been seen as nothing more that an opportunity to jest! To make lightness and mirth! ‘Ho ho,’ they say, ‘would it not be humorous if the Occidental poet had likewise interrupted the actor on the moment of his untimely DEATH, comparing it to another death which he felt was the BEST in human history? It would, it would!’

But it would NOT, I say! It would NOT! Just because two events happened in the same PERIOD OF TIME does not mean it would be humorous to juxtapose them in a FICTITIOUS TABLEAU!

But the tacky chinning of the youth did not stop there. ‘Would it not also be humorous,’ they ask, ‘if the Executive of the 44 United States had been likewise heckled in the manner, for this Executive has been heckled many a time by many a saucy cur — but never in a manner such as this!’

Still, I say, it would not be humorous.

‘And would it be yet more humorous still,’ they cried, ‘if the rabble-rouser had even taken to HUMILIATING backup Quarter-Backs in a popular form of American rugby who were replacing more beloved Quarter-Backs?’

Well, then, I suppose I must submit that, yes, THAT may in fact be humorous.

But to draw this entry to culmination on a lighter note: When will scientists finally get around to sterilizing GYPSIES?