Don’t Buy: Açai Berries

I don’t think açai berries even existed until six months ago.  That’s when I first heard about them, and if even ONE of the benefits that this superfruit supposedly has is true, there’s no way it would have been a secret for this long.  Basically the açai berry got a really good publicist, and now it’s everywhere.  It’s next to the pomegranate juice at Whole Foods.  It’s on half the posters in Robek’s.  It’s in my e-mail spam.

So what is the açai berry, you ask?  It’s everything you imagined and more! 

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Holy shit, right!?  This berry is healthy, young and sexy, AND it fights free radicals!  Sounds like Mother Nature mashed up a yoga instructor, the Fountain of Youth, and Brad Pitt, then crossbred the results with Batman, culminating in the greatest berry ever conceived by God or Man.  

Naturally my curiosity was piqued by the ubiquity of this all-natural pimp juice, so when I found myself in the juice aisle at the grocery store being stared down by a row of Açai Berry Juice, I knew the time had come.  I grabbed a bottle.  (I also grabbed a chocolate mousse parfait, because too much healthy crap in my body at once might send me into shock.)

Upon my arrival at home, I opened the bottle…and was disturbed to find that açai berry juice was not the rich, inviting purple-y color suggested by its bottle.  It was kind of brown-ish.  And had filmy, gross-looking bubbles at the top.  It was definitely not reminiscent of the yummy-looking sorbet pictured in Robek’s ads.

But I had just spent $4 on a bottle of this stuff, and it’s supposed to make you invincible, so I drank it.

It was gross.

The flavor is hard to describe, but nothing about it really screamed “berry!”  It was kind of thick.  And had an unpleasant, chalky aftertaste.  And as I already said, it was brown.

As for the berry’s impact on my health, I can’t really say.  Perhaps I slept sounder that night.  Perhaps my non-existent diabetes were alleviated.  Maybe I’ll look awesome when I’m 50.  But as far as I can tell, I felt no better after drinking the juice than I did before.  Açai berry did not make me feel like an Olympic-gold-medalist-sex-goddess-crime-fighter, and for that reason I can only deem it a “don’t buy.”